Gentle parenting is a parenting style that encourages parents to be more gentle with their children while instilling healthy boundaries. It also encourages respect, bonding and creating a safe environment for growth.
Gentleness is also encouraged in Islam as Allah told the prophet Muhammad (sallallahu ‘alahi wa salaam), “It is out of Allah’s mercy that you (O Prophet) have been lenient with them. Had you been cruel or hard-hearted, they would have certainly abandoned you. So pardon them, ask Allah’s forgiveness for them, and consult with them in (conducting) matters. Once you make a decision, put your trust in Allah. Surely Allah loves those who trust in Him.” Surah Al Imraan (3:159)
There’s no perfect parent, but the willingness to always strive for improvement is what makes a good parent.
1. Connect with your child
Cherish spending time with your child. Make it a daily habit to spend some one-on-one or family time. If you have a busy schedule, even a few minutes of uninterrupted quality time would help. Play together, talk, relax, read aloud, walk together and try to minimize distractions like phones as much as possible. Communicate with your children by telling each other stories, talking about the things you like and asking them questions about how they feel.
2. Show empathy
Show your children that you care by trying to understand where they’re coming from. Put yourself in their shoes and try to remember what it was like to be a child. This will eliminate a lot of frustration and allow you to see things from a different perspective.
3. Set clear boundaries, not punishments
Just because you want to be a more gentle parent doesn’t mean you should allow your children to do everything they want without consequences. You’re the parent and part of your job is to help them navigate through life until they can stand on their own feet.
However, set boundaries as a learning tool and not as a punishment. Let them know what the consequences of their actions are and why it would be helpful to avoid breaking the rules. When they break a rule, talk to them, express your disapproval of the action and what will follow as a result.
4. Make the boundaries reasonable and age-appropriate
Keep your children’s age in mind and consider what they are able to handle at that age. Banning them from doing something they like for a whole week may be too extreme and not a direct consequence for the action. Depending on the age, you could instead urge them to first clean their room after making a mess before being allowed to unbox their new toys.
5. Have reasons for making rules
Be sure of the reason why you want your children to do or not do something. Simply saying “do as I said” will not help them learn from their mistakes. To give an example, you may want your children to avoid jumping on the couch to prevent them from the possibility of falling or getting hurt. If you don’t communicate that, they may only see that as something you don’t like rather than you trying to help them be safe. The former may prompt them to do it anyway when you’re absent or aren’t paying attention and the latter may help them think it through, even if the process is slow.
6. Be firm but avoid yelling
Try to create boundaries without yelling. Go at your child’s level and be firm without looking mean or raising your voice. Yelling only shows that you haven’t yet figured out a healthy way to deal with your own emotions and makes your child fear you instead of respecting you.
‘Aa’ishah (r.a.) narrated that the messenger of Allah ((sallallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam) said, “Verily Allah is Kind and loves kindness, and He rewards for kindness in a way that He does not reward for harshness or for anything else.” Al Bukhari and Muslim
7. Choose your battles
For lack of a better word, choose your battles. You may sometimes feel overwhelmed when your children are breaking many rules at the same time, making a mess or throwing a tantrum. It’s almost impossible to deal with everything at once without losing it. At that moment, focus on the most crucial issue and disregard the others if possible. Stay calm, take a few deep breaths, then address the issue.
8. Show respect
If you want your children to be respectful, show them respect. Respect is a two-way street, so allow them to learn this quality by knowing how it feels to be respected. Avoid calling them out of their names, making fun of them, insulting them or attempting to make them feel horrible about themselves. Doing so would only damage their self-esteem and make them reciprocate the behavior on others. Instead, make them feel important, calmly talk to them when they make a mistake, encourage them when they do something right and allow them to express themselves.
9. Be an example
Part of gentle parenting is to teach your child to also be gentle. And the best way to do that is by setting an example. Children learn better by observing than they do by being lectured. They pick up on the way they are treated and on how their parents treat others around them.
As Muslims, we should strive to follow the examples of the prophet Muhammad (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam) and he treated others with respect.
Abdullah ibn ‘Amr (r.a.) narrated that the messenger of Allah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam) said, “Verily the best of you are those who are best in attitude.” Al Bukhari and Muslim
10. Keep working on improving
To be a gentle parent, you have to also be gentle with yourself. Making mistakes doesn’t stop you from being a good parents. No one is perfect, so as long as you hold yourself accountable and are willing to do better, you should be fine. Make it a habit to communicate with your children even when you make a mistake. An example could be apologizing for losing your temper because you were having a hard time that day. Let them know that it was a mistake and that you should have instead taken a few deep breaths to stay calm. This would teach them that you losing your temper wasn’t their fault and that it’s human to sometimes make mistakes.
Gentle parenting makes parenting less stressful and benefits both the parent and child. It’s an opportunity to bond with your children, make them feel safe and build stronger relationship. It’s a working progress with always room for improvement, so never give up.
